....

im going to be 16 in exactly a week.

just throwing it out there.

but on to more pressing matters....

so theres this guy. and hes basically perfect. and i feel like its DESTINY for us to be together. although i dont know him that well i just FEEL that its going to happen. but its such a complicated thing and i have no idea how to handle it. so heres the story so far:

so the guy, i heard about him a few months ago listening to a conversation a girl that im sorta friends with was having with someone. he sounded really nice and i admit, i was jealous. then later on i was on her myspace page and saw a pic of him on it and he was soooo cute. i mean, RIDICULOUSLY cute. so fast forward to about a month ago, my mom starts talking about these two guys that just started working with her and she thought i would be interested to hear that they were cute and emo, (she knows i have a thing for emo boys). so it turns out that they became friends and everything and my mom started talking about me to them, like a lot. then one of the guys tells my mom that he dated a girl that i probably knew. and it turns out it was the girl im sort of friends with and he was the guy!! so anyways, now we're friends on myspace, him and the girl are no longer going out and everything seems dandy, right? well, no. see, the thing is, i actually have never had a conversation with the guy, eventhough my mom arranged for him and his friend to come to my "surprise" bday party. i want to date him so badly. hes gorgeous and soooo nice! he even told my mom that i was really cute. thats a good sign, right?? so whats the other problem? well, i was just on his ex's myspace and saw that her little "pic of the week" was of him and her!! and i know they arent going out anymore because him and his friend both said that it was a bad relationship and that she was kinda psycho, which is definately true. so thats probably why she still has a pic of him up. but i dont know. its such a weird and complicated situtaion and im trying sooo hard for him to like me and i think he does and i PRAY that he will be able to come to my party because i know if i get the chance to sit down and talk to him, he will see that we're meant to be together. god, i sound like such a schmuck, seriously, this is how i really really feel though. my mom even told him i wanted my lip pierced and then he said that he would pierce it and stuff. and his friend, well he and the guy i like are both going to come to my party and sing to me (theyre in a band together).

GRRRRRR......theres so much to say but its so complicated that all of what i just wrote is so scattered and probably doesnt make any sense. i just dont know what to do. im praying so hard for him and i to finally be a couple. i need him. i really really do.

i hope i can come back to this in a couple months and laugh about how worried i was that we werent going to go out, because we are dating and everything is the way i prayed for it to turn out. i really really hope thats what happens.

xo

random thoughts today

9 in the afternoon will be available on itunes the 29th. Im so excited for pretty. Odd. Its not even funny.

The news about heath ledger was so shocking and sad. I could have never imagined him dying so young. He was a truly talented actor who I think would have become one of the greats. Its been a weird year. 2 people my mom know died 2 days within eachother this week. Its been really sad. Im going to watch 10 things I hate about you this weekend.

I've been considering getting snake bites lately. I would love to get it done, but I know a lot of people I know would be shocked and probably disapointed in me. I don't know why its such a big deal....it is just a peircing after all..I wish I didn't have to worry so much about what people think of me.

I would kill to have the talent pete wentz has when he writes:

They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone

But for what we've become, we just feel more alone

Always weigh what I've got against what I have left

So progress report: I am missing you to death

From: I slept with someone in fall out boy and all I got was this stupid song written about me

I can't seem to get these lines out of my head. I don't know why. But all I know is that I would kill to be able to write so creatively and eloquently.

Im typing this on my sidekick and my thumbs are getting tired.

Goodnight

xoxo

PARTAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!...........not so much

party kind of bombed on friday. not near as many people showed up as they were supposed to. everyone was saying it would have been more fun with some alcohol involved. they were probably right.

PARTAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

tomorrow my friend is having her sweet 16. its going to be at a club somewhere and supposedly like 90 people are going.....im not sure i even know 90 people....regardless, im excited! we're going in stretch escalades that can seat like 30 people in each one. i swear this will be like the 5th party ive gone to that has involved a limo..........my bday is gonna look shitty compared to c's. oh well.

happy

its funny how things can just....change. i mean, i was having a really shitty day today and everything just sucked. but for some reason, the world just finally decided to give me a break for once. my friend called and wanted to know if i wanted to go see some local bands play a show tomorrow night with her, so im going and am really excited for that. and not to mention, the guy that sorta has a thing for me and i are finally talking again tonight. i dont know what will happen in both situations, but for now, im happy.

2008 will be the death of me

what do i have to show for anything?? one friend left?? i want to change and i want to branch out, but why does everyone have to break apart?? i lost my best friend today....i never thought this would happen. im gong to miss our inside jokes most of all. we understood eachother and were there for eachother always. i knew i would be ok just as long as we were friends. what do i have left?? im holding on to nothing. i have nothing left to give and nothing more to live for. ive lost it all in a matter of one year. ive lost my will to go on every day and put that smile on like everythings ok when all i want to do is cry. i hate who i am. i hate who everyone else has become.

realization

bitter tears are the worst tears