random thoughts today

9 in the afternoon will be available on itunes the 29th. Im so excited for pretty. Odd. Its not even funny.

The news about heath ledger was so shocking and sad. I could have never imagined him dying so young. He was a truly talented actor who I think would have become one of the greats. Its been a weird year. 2 people my mom know died 2 days within eachother this week. Its been really sad. Im going to watch 10 things I hate about you this weekend.

I've been considering getting snake bites lately. I would love to get it done, but I know a lot of people I know would be shocked and probably disapointed in me. I don't know why its such a big deal....it is just a peircing after all..I wish I didn't have to worry so much about what people think of me.

I would kill to have the talent pete wentz has when he writes:

They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone

But for what we've become, we just feel more alone

Always weigh what I've got against what I have left

So progress report: I am missing you to death

From: I slept with someone in fall out boy and all I got was this stupid song written about me

I can't seem to get these lines out of my head. I don't know why. But all I know is that I would kill to be able to write so creatively and eloquently.

Im typing this on my sidekick and my thumbs are getting tired.

Goodnight

xoxo

PARTAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!...........not so much

party kind of bombed on friday. not near as many people showed up as they were supposed to. everyone was saying it would have been more fun with some alcohol involved. they were probably right.

PARTAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

tomorrow my friend is having her sweet 16. its going to be at a club somewhere and supposedly like 90 people are going.....im not sure i even know 90 people....regardless, im excited! we're going in stretch escalades that can seat like 30 people in each one. i swear this will be like the 5th party ive gone to that has involved a limo..........my bday is gonna look shitty compared to c's. oh well.

happy

its funny how things can just....change. i mean, i was having a really shitty day today and everything just sucked. but for some reason, the world just finally decided to give me a break for once. my friend called and wanted to know if i wanted to go see some local bands play a show tomorrow night with her, so im going and am really excited for that. and not to mention, the guy that sorta has a thing for me and i are finally talking again tonight. i dont know what will happen in both situations, but for now, im happy.

2008 will be the death of me

what do i have to show for anything?? one friend left?? i want to change and i want to branch out, but why does everyone have to break apart?? i lost my best friend today....i never thought this would happen. im gong to miss our inside jokes most of all. we understood eachother and were there for eachother always. i knew i would be ok just as long as we were friends. what do i have left?? im holding on to nothing. i have nothing left to give and nothing more to live for. ive lost it all in a matter of one year. ive lost my will to go on every day and put that smile on like everythings ok when all i want to do is cry. i hate who i am. i hate who everyone else has become.

realization

bitter tears are the worst tears

genuine happiness

i want to get out. move away and start over. knowing what i know now, i want nothing more than to get another chance at everything.

i hate where i am in my life. i have absolutely nothing in common with my friends. they dont understand me or my taste in music, style, life in general. it sucks. all i want are friends that i can sit and listen to a cobra starship cd with that dont bitch and complain the whole time. or people who actually want to go to the concert ive been dying to see. i cant seem to find a way to let go of that attachment i have to my friends. ive never been a really outgoing person, ive always been shy and felt awkward around people i dont know. i hate seeing people happy with their lives. i want to be one of those people. i envy the people that go downtown every weekend, go to concerts with eachother, that care about the same things. i dont hate my friends but i resent them with everything i have. i can barely to be around them because truthfully they arent the people i want to be friends with. its like we speak completely different languages and i hate it. this has been the hardest time in my life. its so frustrating. i feel like crying all the time.

i resent happiness because every smile is forced. i dont remember the last time i was genuinely happy. just when i think things are going to be ok and i build myself back up, something or someone knocks me back down. i cant win. i hate being one of those people that acts like the world is out to get me all the time, but what else do i have. i hate my life. everything around me is wrong. i just want people in my life that like the same things i do. i know that not having the friends i want is not a good reason to hate my life, but when everyone around you is different and you have absolutely no one who wants to do the same things as you, it gets ridiculous.

im always settling because i cant bring myself to take that big leap. the one thatll make me or break me. i want more than anything to just be able to do the things that will bring me an ounce of genuine happiness for once.