genuine happiness

i want to get out. move away and start over. knowing what i know now, i want nothing more than to get another chance at everything.

i hate where i am in my life. i have absolutely nothing in common with my friends. they dont understand me or my taste in music, style, life in general. it sucks. all i want are friends that i can sit and listen to a cobra starship cd with that dont bitch and complain the whole time. or people who actually want to go to the concert ive been dying to see. i cant seem to find a way to let go of that attachment i have to my friends. ive never been a really outgoing person, ive always been shy and felt awkward around people i dont know. i hate seeing people happy with their lives. i want to be one of those people. i envy the people that go downtown every weekend, go to concerts with eachother, that care about the same things. i dont hate my friends but i resent them with everything i have. i can barely to be around them because truthfully they arent the people i want to be friends with. its like we speak completely different languages and i hate it. this has been the hardest time in my life. its so frustrating. i feel like crying all the time.

i resent happiness because every smile is forced. i dont remember the last time i was genuinely happy. just when i think things are going to be ok and i build myself back up, something or someone knocks me back down. i cant win. i hate being one of those people that acts like the world is out to get me all the time, but what else do i have. i hate my life. everything around me is wrong. i just want people in my life that like the same things i do. i know that not having the friends i want is not a good reason to hate my life, but when everyone around you is different and you have absolutely no one who wants to do the same things as you, it gets ridiculous.

im always settling because i cant bring myself to take that big leap. the one thatll make me or break me. i want more than anything to just be able to do the things that will bring me an ounce of genuine happiness for once.